Mock Mock Haikus
Haikus by Chip
Haikus by Hanna
Haikus by Jeff
Haikus by Alex
Haikus by Chip
Egypt and the Nile:
a response to Hanna's haiku, Egypt and the Nile
Sphinx has a sphincter
Dude, I just saw a mummy!
Pharoahs have camels
The "It's Time You Found Out" Series:
a monologue on life, in ten parts
It's Time You Found Out Part I
It's time you found out
What hangin' out is about:
Doin' stuff, mostly
It's Time You Found Out Part II
It's time you found out
What takin' dumps is about:
Ploppin' shite, poop, doo
It's Time You Found Out Part III
It's time you found out
What big ol' bouts are about:
They're just boxing fights
It's Time You Found Out Part IV
It's time you found out
What mankind is all about:
It's not that kind, man
It's Time You Found Out Part V
It's time you found out
Where babies really come from:
Ladies, not Hades
It's Time You Found Out Part VI
It's time you found out
What drugs are all, like, about:
The cool kids all know
It's Time You Found Out Part VII
It's time you found out
What haikus are all about:
Whatever I want
It's Time You Found Out Part VIII
It's time you found out
About Roman numerals:
They're fucking useless
It's Time You Found Out Part IX
It's time you found out
What spreading love is about:
Propho on dinkus
It's Time You Found Out Part X
It's time you found out
What magic carpets are 'bout:
They would blow my mind
Stinky Stick
Hey, if you wanna
Borrow this thing, don't put it
In your shoe, okay?
Anglo-Saxophone
Franco-furter and
Sino-language and Russo,
Jean-Jacques, but of course
Tap That Tap
If you want water
To come out of that thing there
Pull that there lever
There Are No Payphones in Heaven
So give me all your
Money, and call me before
You die, not after
Now It's On
What cha done there, boy?
Shat on the carpet, did ya?
You motherfucker.
Breathing Between Pulses
If you offer a
Man a zucchini, then don't
Give a cucumber
Quality
I love this movie
Watch this... Shut up! You just missed
The best part, dick head!
Navel Academy
I think we all know
By now: Adam and Eve ain't
Got belly-buttons.
I Will Break You
You are so dead if
You stand between me and my
Email, computer.
Eclipsing the Moment
Diarrhea, cha
Cha Cha. Mexican take-out
Place called Cha Cha Cha
Words Between the Lines of Page
What is written here?
I can't read what I wrote down
Why did I write it?
Gubernatorial Aphrodisiac
Schmendrick, schtup, HOO-HA!
And Popa Caliente
Basicamente
Make it Big
Guilty feet have got
No rhythm... but those shoes are
Pretty fucking sweet.
One Word Titles Are Great,
Because the Absence of Other Words
Implies Deeper Meaning to That One Word
Here's a funny quote
"You can be Homer Junior.
They'll call you 'Hoju'."
Something Swell
Is that a penis
In your pants or are you just
Happy to see me?
Seminaba Habawah
Yagga Lagga Hua!!
Errr Comin'atchoo YEAH-heah
Semminna Heah-how!!
Cave City
"Spelunking" is quite
Possibly the greatest word
Ever. "Spelunking"
Untitled (that's the title)
Breathless, I ascend
Waiting, Hoping, holding on
Trying not to fart
The Threads of Modernity
Your songs, Your goatee,
This is how YOU remind me
That Nickelback blows
Giambi
Mekka Lekka Hi
Is this how you spell "Jomby"?
Mekka Heinie Ho
Ssspace Pod!
"Watcha got there, guy?"
"Some kinda crouton?" Wait, no...
Rodrigo said that
Ssspace Pod! (Part Two)
"Watcha got there, guy?"
McGrimmace says he's drawing
A "ssspace pod." Ha ha!
On My Foot
On My foot, my foot
On my foot, on my foot, yeah
Something's on my foot
Check It Out
"Yo, wussup?" ...I got
Nothing. Worst Haiku Ever.
Except "On My Foot"
These Four Walls of Verse
Want to say something
Have to leave out some the words
It's Haiku, baby.
North Beverly, You're the One
"Haiku Haiku" was
Chinese food in Beverly
Now it's Bertucci's.
Workin' On
Margaret, Champagne,
Cradle, Abbott Hogan, Train.
Eating Sad Porridge.
5-7-5
Megaburtonic
Extrasyllabletastic
Haikualizing
I'm Afraid, Sort of
What's that scratching noise
In the wall? A mouse maybe?
Or Freddy Krueger?
Bet You Did!
"It's about the size
Of your palm. You just looked at
Your hand, didn't you?"
I Tried
Goddamn. What the fuck.
This thing is wicked heavy
Let's just leave it here.
When Gloves Cry
Would Prince be as good
If he sang about clothing?
...Raspberry beret?
Ode to the Single
The single greatest
Thing about my room is that
It is a single.
Nice Beard
"Look at that moron
Is he for real with that shit?"
"Dude, that's my sister."
Again?
I thought that she was
Going to drop that apple
Only once, not twice.
Sifted Sandwich
This title is weird
And has nothing to do with
Anything at all.
You Must Like that Girl A Lot
Cool that you like to
Point out her ass while she walks
But not that cool, jerk.
My Fire
I think I just seen
El Debarge on a t-shirt
El Dorado? Whoops.
I'm the New Guy on Your Floor
Huge dump. Stinky, man!
I'm digging it, but I bet
the girl flossing ain't.
Sasquatch Yeti Man (Theme Song)
Sasquatch Yeti Man!!
He's the f'n MAN!! He likes
Snow and other stuff
More Sasquatch Yeti Man!
Yeah, he's never tan!
Cause he lives in the snow baaannn...k
Likes his cold ones canned!
Haikus by Hanna
Egypt and the Nile
Egypt and the Nile
Pyramids that smell like bile
This isn't funny
Mysterious Moosh
So what exactly
Does a vegan sloppy joe
Consist of, weirdo?
Shut Up
So what if i have
Horrible circulation
At least i don't smell
One Wish
If i had one wish
I'd make all americans
Have scottish accents
Mobigon
The moon was a lot
Cooler when it followed me
I guess moons are big
Marshmallows
I used to squish them
With my fingers into moosh
It tasted alright
Survival of the Grossest
Black moldy mildew
Conquers corners of my home
Eat the damn spiders!
Sticky Brownish Green
I need a Kleenex
Before everything turns
Sticky brownish green
Tummy Ache
Down in the dungeons
Last nights poisons duke it out
I await calm seas
Calm Clam
A calm clam basking
In the sun thinks to himself
"Sand is fine by me"
Haikus by Jeff
left-overs
It's hot out today
hotter than drunk walrus sex
with a large fugly
imperialistic dream world
remember that time
your girlfriend broke up with you
and then i humped her
these saltines are stale. lets leave
mickey mouse scares me
I guess any mouse that talks
would be fucking weird
time for some TAB
Tony Little rules
his "Gazelle" is amazing
and I hate you dad
post prom prenuptial pen pal pinups
what would happen if
instead of god, we worshiped
Lionel Ritchie
yellow number 5
how much would you pay
for handle bar moustache rides
I bet like ten bucks
satan's frogurt machine
clam chowder gives me
diarrhea every time
that's why I love it
put your hands up on my hip
did you know the skin
between the balls and anus
goes great with yogurt?
Haikus by Alex
Let's See His Pips, Eh?
It's Captain Planet!
Yay! He's here with his mullett!
The power is yours.
House of Wax?
Once I did this thing
It was called "masturbating"
That's "jerk off" to you
Reflexive or Reflective?
I wrote a haiku
But without a final line
Kind of like this one
Thy Produce
There's this guy, okay?
He can't find his bananas
He should check the fridge
College
Where's Wang with the snacks?
Could we possibly need this
Much Mountain Dew? Guy?
Deb Rof Emit
It is ten-oh-one
Or maybe it's ten-oh-one!
It's backwards. Get it?
It's Quality
Don't talk no sass, boy.
Or I'll go upside yo' head.
Now, eat your cousin
How Does Kevin Costner Keep Getting Work?
I heard Paul is dead.
But that does not explain why
Tupac is alive.
by Chip Means 2003-2005